The Asian Project

Well.  Wasn't that a thing.  In fact I'd have to say best thing ever.

I'm a big, big fan of this country.  It is bloody obviously a third world country, but the people here are not only pure fucking gold, they are HOT as fuck!  Especially the men.  I give Khmer men the bong for hornsness over the Vietnamese men.  With the Khmer boys, even the ones that are just south of the horn, you STILL want to do them.  Especially when you think about the fact that they built these Angkor joints.  Which I will not blog about, because there really is no putting it into words.  You just have to go.  So get off yer ass and get ye there.

Siem Reap is a fine place.  Small and lovely.  One of the cool things about it is that the name means "Siamese Defeated".  Right next to the Thai border and all.  I would love to see Darwin's name changed to "Fuck Indonesia"or something.  Don't reckon we'd get away with it quite so well, but it'd be fun to try.

I went for a wander through Siem Reap market today.  What was bloody surprising and a stark contrast to Ben Thanh Markets in Saigon, was that no one, and I mean NO ONE, asked me to buy anything.  There was a total absence of "ÿou buy something sar?".  Very refreshing and it MADE me want to stay and look around.  I bought the crappest thing I could find (for my sister who expressed a desire for something shitful from SA Asia):  an Angkor ashtray that looks like something out of a dungeons and dragons set.  Piece of crap that you wouldn't let your dog drink out of, but she asked me...

Today is our last day in Cambodia.  I'm not at home to that.  And I'm even LESS at home to the idea of coming back to Australia.  This has been fucking fantastic, and I'm gonna miss the Vietnamese and the Khmer ROOL bad for a while.  At least there's pho bo to be had at the Vietnamese stall in the markets in Adelaide.  And I can now order it in Vietnamese!  Back to Hanoi tonight and then....

They weren't half bad.

Well.  Phnom Penh is somewhere else entirely.  No one can tell me that you can walk out the door in a western society and have everything right there.  We can literally step out of the hotel here and be offered "moto-bike, marree wahna, lady?" plus all manner of other things.  Awesome.

I think the Khmers might just top the Vietnamese in the horn stakes.  Definitely the boys.  Yum.  They are a tad more friendly I think as well.  Always smiling and very happy to see you.  What makes this important is that while the VNese are also happy to see you, it's usually because they may be able to sell you something.  Here in Phnom Penh, we can walk anywhere, still seeing women everywhere with stuff dangling from babmboo poles to sell, but never being asked "you buy something?".  It's almost a little disconcerting.

We spent the day doing a couple of very interesting activities.  First of all, we went to a firing range just outside of Phnom Penh.  Backpackers are encouraged to come along and have a go at all manner of firearms to help rid the jopint of unexploded ordnance.  I was more than happy to assist here.  You are actually shown a menu when you first arrive.  I chose an AK-47 and some shitty hand gun.  AK-47 I might be lethal with.  A hand gun, I would be inadvertantly shooting something in the next province.  I was offered a hand grenade, but declined on the grounds I throw like a girl.

We followed this with a visit to the infamous Killing Fields of Cheung Ek.  This was a VERY sobering experience.  There is a large shite Khmer-style stupa in the middle of the grounds where over 8000 skulls are stacked.  When you allow youself to actually realise what it is you are looking at, it is an overwhelmingly tragic thing.  These people died (children too!) at the hands of their own people.  Unbelievable.

The temples here are the most beautiful I have seen in SE Asia.  The most famous, Angkor Wat, is everywhere.  I drink Angkor Beer, smoke Angkor cigarettes and no doubt use Angkor bog rolls.  It's even on their flag.  It is clearly a big ol flip of the bird to the world:  "No matter how crap things might be these days, we built Angkor" seems to be the thing.  And how.

And the REALLY good thing about Cambodia:  I haven't seen or heard on American yet.

Here are things I get off on in Vietnam.

Firstly, you can smoke pretty much anywhere.  In fact I'm smoking right the fuck now in the hotel lobby as I tap away.  Awesome.  The only place you can't smoke is in places such as Highlands Coffee cafes, but these are whitie style joints and this is to be expected.

I'm REALLY getting off on just throwing my rubbish (anything) into the street.  If you just opened something that is plastic wrapped (and EVERYTHING is here) you just fling it into the gutter.  Matt actually commented on my obvious gleefulness in this indulgence.  This may seem a disgusting and shocking thing to an Ucnian, but I'm loving it.  The thing is is that a bunch of women (and it is always women no matter what city you are in) come along with big skips and brooms and clean all the rubbish up.  It is simply what is done here.  One night Hanoi Helen and I were trampsing through the old town in Hanoi and a bag of filth came flying out of  a second floor window onto the street.  Gold.  As Matt noted, littering here actually creates employment.

A very endearing thing here is how the guys hold hands or walk around with their arms around each others shoulders.  It's not an issue and it's clearly not a gay thing.  But it sure as hell gives me the horn.  Chicks are always clinging on to each other, but you do find that a bit in Uc.  The guy thing is just the coolest thing I've seen in male culture anywhere.

And finally, the entire Vietnamese nation is made of extremely handsome people.  I've never seen such a thing.  On an average, about 90% of Vietnamese are somehow bloody attractive.  I'll need to check when I get back, but I don't think that that is the Ucnian percentage.

Lastly, Saigon has neon coming out of the jacksie.  Nothing more to say there.

 

Saigon.  Saigon, Saigon, Saigon, Saigon.  What a town!!!  I'm loving this place.  It's much less densely smashed together than Hanoi and I have to say, as far as an Asian city is concerned, the air is fresh and clean here.  I no longer have a chest as heavy as a pile of weighbridges.  The streets here are big, wide things and everything is much more spread out.

The American influence is much more obvious here as well.  Not necessarilly in a god way either.  Always with the "Alo Jo" from everyone, who assume you are a yank, but also in things such as the amount of dioxin (agent orange) and napalm victims you come across begging in the street.  We went to the Independence Palace (former res of the South Vietnamese Prez which has been preserved just as it was the day the tanks rolled in) which was a weirdly nostalgic thing for me.  Al these classic things such as map rooms, bakelite phones, etc.  Awesome.  But then we followed this with the War Remnants Museum.  This is a much more sobering and angrifyin' experience, especially when you take into account that the goddam Americans (and us!) are doing it all again even as we speak.  Whities never learn.

HCMC is all neon and screens at night.  Fucking fantastic!!  The only thing that Vietnam lacks is gummed rollie papers.  This is a bit of an issue, as I'm sick of smoking Marlboro bloody tailor-mades.  Ick!!  But we love the Ben Thanh Markets (just down the street from our hotel) for its crap you can buy and the nightly food extravaganza.  The pho here is of an ongoingly better quality than in the north.  More aniseedie.

I'm really gonna miss Nam when it's time to go.  I can already tell.  I've become very attached to the place and the people.  They are all hornbags (I have never been in love with an entire race for its horn value like this) and they are all amazingly chilled out.  Hanoi Helen pointed out when in Hoi An that in Vietnam, for some reason, poverty does not translate into anger.  Strange.

 

Today it is pissing down (and I mean PISSING down) in Hoi An.  The Vietnamese hate it, but I, as a dried-out Australian, am actually quite at home to it.  The streets are actually flooding here as I tap away at the keyboard and I'm waiting a bit before I do a walking tour of the old town this arvo.  I meant to do that yesterday when it wasn't raining, but in classic Phil fashion, forgot my camera.

So I have not much to say for this post as nothing much has really happened in the intervening time.  In fact, the only reason for this post is that I have nothing better to do. 

I could go on about the merits of tonal versus non-tonal languages for a while, but I actually dont understand tonal languages at all, so that would be pointless.  The tailors here are fantastic, as are the fried bush babies.  I really need to have sex pretty soon and wouldn't mind a coffee that doesn't have condensed milk in it.

We have a new mate called Ben, who's from London.  He's been teaching English in China for the last year.  He calls ALL the females here he comes across swee' art, including the older ones.  Gold. 

We were in a bar the other night that has a sort of political activist kind of theme going on.  They were running a docco on the screen there that was about political violence in the 20th century around the world.  When the bit about the Palestinians came on, a bunch of Israelis got ROOL shitty and actually demanded the staff turn it off.  This pissed me off in a mighty fashion.  We are in Vietnam after all and it's not like they don't know about this stuff here.  Remember the Chinese, the Fench, the Americans, etc, etc???  And for fuck's sake, the whole theme of the bar was political, as I said, so why the fuck go in there???  I was ready to cause an international incident and had upgraded to defcon 2, but pulled back from the brink at the last minute.  Ben almost did cause one, but managed to rein himself in at the last minute and went off swearing in Spanish to himself instead.  Aah the multiculturalism.  Awesome!

Then there was the night in Hanoi when Matt, Helen and I were in a bar called Red Mask (great place if you ever go to the Hanoi... you can get special cigarettes over the bar there).  Suddenly the lights and everything went off and silence was called for.  it was because the police were coming on down the street and they would otherwise have kicked us all out and closed it down.  After about three minutes everything came back on again and the night went on.  What a country!!!!

Well it is still raining and I could go on with this bullshit for ever, but I must don my swimmers and get into the old town.  If you don't hear from me for a while, I'm in the South China Sea.

We are now in the lovely joint known as Hoi An, a world heritage listed spot famed for its tailors.  Matt and I have already had ourselves fitted out for suits and we are just about to go for the first fitting.  Awesome.

There is clearly no pot in this place.  Bugger.  However after the craziness of Hanoi, Hoi An is like a little country town.  Hanoi Helen managed to score us a night in the ritziest hotel in town (and possibly Vietnam) for free.  This meant live it up time.  We spent the first few hours swanning around in bath robes sipping complimentary champagne and throwing sherds of pottery at the poor people.

The internet here in Hoi An, however, is clearly run by a mouse on a broken treadmill.  And the same mouse seems to cope with running the telephone lines.  A call to Oz basically consisted of repeated goes until the thing finally got through at some point.  Fuck me.  That was obviously karma for throwing the pottery.

Hanoi Helen and I rented a moto-bike and took the mofo all the way to Marble Mountains.  This spot is unbelievable, with a whole shitload of temples and pagodas covering the mountain, which also consists of countless grottos, all filled with buddhas carved from the very livin rock.  Unbelievable.  The moto-bike experience was rool cool.  I want one.  The only thing was that I had to constantly be reminded of Helen clinging to the back of me that theydrive on the OTHER side of the road here.  Well, mostly they do.

I'm off for a walking tour of the old town here this arvo.  It actually costs to get in there.  50,000 dong (about $4.50 or so).  Nice work if you can get it.

So apparently today a bridge collapsed in southern Vietnam.  Just so everyone is clear, we were nowhere near it and it wasn't actually our fault.  Well not really...

We are looking at a 15 hour train ride to Danang tonight.  Luckily we have  beds on this train, so hopefully, with the help of something, we will sleep through the whole thing and wake up in sunny Danang.  Aaaaaah Danang.  China Beach.  It takes me back to the dark days before Pearl Harbour.

I forgot to mention that a couple of nights ago, I managed to go into a ca phe (cafe) and order food, drink, payand refuse the change, all without speaking a word of English.  I may be starting to forget my mother tongue.  Me talk good over ingle ish yet.  No probbie thar.

Typically, just on the day that we are about to leave Hanoi, I believe I have JUST begun to figure out its maze of streets, etc a little tiny bit.  I was even able to direct a taxi driver that didn't really know where the fuck he was going.  Now I have to deal with Saigon.  Shit.

Hanoi is full on, really.  I am now really looking forward to getting on down the road to the smaller cities in the middle of the country:  Hoi An, Hue, Danang, etc.  It will be nice to have a non-beeping soundscape and maybe even some thinner air.  Plus, there's beaches there.  YAY!

Matt and I actually managed to book three tickets on the Danang train today, which we found to be quite an accomplishment.  Simple because you walk into Ga Ha Noi (Hanoi Railway Station) and EVERYTHING is in Vietnamese.  I think we're on the right train.  If not, I'll be blogging from an OPEC nation or something.

Not much been going on the last two days, just drinking crap scotch, walking around, ordering food, buying shit and looking at stuff.  Awesome.  But tomorrow, our Hanoi Part 1 scenario finishes and we get the hell on outta here for a bit.

I must say, Matt is the most entertaining travel companion I have ever had.  Pure gold.  This is the comedy oddysey.  Or however the fuck you spell that.  Next year, it will be the comedy Iliad, when we tackle wood with a trojan.

Roger, roger.